Being Complete III

I'm going to go down a different rabbit trail in this entry part 3 but, it all ties together (in my mind anyway). I call this "Being Complete as a Man". Our American culture has set in place the boundaries and expectations and definitions of what is a "Man". Consequently we have pigeonholed the guy the shows all God given emotions as less of a man and the guy that cant get in touch with his emotions and cant display his sensitivity as a "manly man". It doesn't make sense to me.

I was in an airport onetime with some friends and one of them was, what people call, a manly man. Well my friend sees a long lost buddy of his and they start running up to great each other. And as they get close to each other you could tell they wanted to hug , but they couldn't, it wasn't manly. They just bumped each other in the chest, slapped one another in the arms and that was their greeting. They were so uncomfortable greeting each other it was comical...and sad.

I have heard so often that this guy or that guy is a "mans man"...huh, what is a mans man? That question intrigues me. So I have asked a lot of men, what is a mans man? And as expected, their answers are all over the place or they don't have an answer at all. So how can one say that person is a mans man when you don't know what it means. I think the answer lies in the culture we are in, where perception is everything. However when we stripe away the perception and facade and get down to reality, this "mans man" is just a very one dimensional guy. He is just a guy that has drank the kool aid. He has been taught and believes that he must show no emotion, must stay disconnected from any display of being sensitive. And the displaying of affection is reserved for the, amongst others, "big truck", guns, card games, hunting trips, food and beer and Sunday football mania. Now NOTHING is wrong with any of that, individually, but is that all there is to men? Unfortunately I think that is all there is. Of course I don't think all men are one dimensional but, I think its is the majority of men.

What about being the complete guy. The guy that can do it all. How about in-addition to all the above, men actually change the diapers of their children, men actually getting up and do the early AM bottle feedings for their infant while their wife sleeps. How about doing homework with the kids or cleaning up the puke when their children are sick. I know "manly men" can mow a lawn and change the oil in their car but, how about doing the laundry or cleaning the house to give your wife a break. How about having a conversation of depth and substance where it is actually a....conversation. How about showing emotions other than anger and frustration.

Far to often I see guys just pointing and grunting when they are out in public with their family, all the while the kids are cowering for fear of the head slap for any misstep they may make. Or the kids are out of control and its all the mothers fault. It kills me to see men use fear and intimidation as "teaching my child". This is not teaching, its just being a bully. But the father knows no other way because that is how he was taught...so the cycle continues.

Now I know in scripture there is clear defining of the roles of men and women should have in their marriage. I also know that men are to provide and fight for the family's honor. Along with that, shouldn't being there for the family in roles of support and loving guidance be a mans role also?

I was struck a few weeks ago when I read in Proverbs 3 13-18

(13) Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,
(14) for SHE is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
(15) SHE is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with HER.
(16) Long life is in HER right hand;
in HER left are riches and honor.
(17) HER ways are pleasant ways,
and all HER paths are peace.
18) SHE is a tree of life to those who
embrace HER;
those who lay hold of HER will be blessed.

What struck me about these versus is that Salomon intentionally switches from the generic reader (people) to a male reader. Knowledge and understand are being taught in this book and God is referring to understanding and knowledge in the feminine.
For me, this is the way of saying, men need to be in touch with their, wait for it....feminine side. Its about being a more lovable and a loving guy. Its about being sensitive to pain and the needs of others. Its about actually showing your true emotions and letting the tears fall because you hurt. Its about being the guy that gives the wife a day off from the house work and cleans the house. I believe that God, in these versus was, was telling men how to be complete. Yes men can and should grenade up and take that hill. And they can and should, clean up the puke of a child and cry with them. Its called being complete, that is a "mans man".

Being Complete part II

I have had several conversations with friends regarding how I don't like the holiday and Christmas seasons. I mean really, I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I just get in a state of being numb and stay there for about three months. In fact I will get into this state without even knowing it until I do some inter reflection on whats going on and then realize "oh yeah it's the holidays". I know an awful lot of how I feel is because I am in a business that serves people, a lot of people daily. And these people can be the so rude, impatient and or so obnoxiously arrogant that I just want to choke them. So much of the time, people serving and working their ass off get absolutely no respect (OK that's off my chest). I also know this is a hard time because of a devastating family situation that took place during the holidays some years ago. The loss can be so fresh and so real to this day. But I have also discovered a third piece to this puzzle and that is the loss of joy. I really have no joy in my life and then to add the holidays on top of it...well its over load and I go numb. I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself (or you to feel sorry for me), I am saying this as a reflection to what is the truth in my life. I do not know why I am writing this....but for some reason I am and I still keep exposing my heart.

So....what do I mean I have no joy. Its just that, no joy. No belly busting laughter, no light hearted conversation, no looking at beauty and getting lost in its tranquil pull and having peace. No looking at a day and saying "WOW how cool is this, another great day".

Where are you joy?

I believe the answer lies in a long ago relationship. A relationship that gave me nothing and left me to discover everything by myself. I believe the answers lies in the final "completeness" of this relationship. This is my 900 pound Gorilla.

Will I have joy again?

I am hoping its there inside me some where and all of the dirt and garbage I have bulldozed on it will be some day be removed and joy will return from the darkness.


During the past 6 months or so I have had some sense that completeness was important to me. But now I believe its paramount. I believe that completeness is my key for what He has in store for me. My doubt is, will I be able to finish this?

The truth of the matter, if I look into the deep inter sanctum of my heart, is I really want to enjoy the holidays. I want to enjoy all the beauty and the gatherings of friends and family, and the lights and the true spirit of the holidays (not so much the gift giving). Why? Because I want to see and feel the closeness of people. I want the stress of life to melt away to the calm of peace. I want to be able to say and hear Happy Holidays or better yet Merry Christmas and know that it is honestly meant.

Being Complete Part I

In September, a group of my friends went to Kenya to serve their internship there and to live an adventure. With them being gone, I set out to use this time for some learning of my own. I wanted and expected to dig deeper into scripture and I was determined to develop better prayer and study habits. I wanted the fruit of this dedicated learning/study period to be about growing closer to God and maybe to learn more about myself. I wanted to be in a place where I felt this overwhelming intimate relationship with Him. Well, things didn't really go as I expected (what a shock ha). There were several times during this 3 month period that as hard as I was trying to "get things done" I felt I wasn't getting anywhere. So many times I have heard some of my friends say "just get into the Word". Ah, OK I would think, sounds great, but the reality is I don't know how to do that. I don't know what it means to "get into the Word". I mean, there are times it reads as noise to me. So my studies didn't take place as expected and my frustrations continued. After the three month mark I was frustrated because I felt I had not done anything that bore any fruit and I had failed a commitment to myself and this relationship with Him would continue to stall.

Also, during this 3 month period of time I was I was invited to participate with a group of men and be involved in a discussion of a book. Though I didn't really think this book applied to me that much, I trusted the advice of a friend and joined in. Being the skeptic, the first third of the book I was thinking, "this is good, but I don't know what this all means to me". But then the book started to get my attention and I even participated in the exercises. Further along the contents of the book were more difficult to read and the exercises were becoming harder to do, what was being discussed and read was really hitting home.

Well I have since found out this book applies to me in a big way. What I thought was a failing on my part , my plan on learning, was actually something that was not important to Him at this point in my life. It became abundantly clear to me (at a stop light, going to work) what was important to Him was the work I was doing in this mens group and more importantly what this book was bringing to the surface in my struggles. The struggles are relational, and they are extremely difficult for me. We are now at the hardest part of the book and the exercise that is required is very difficult. It is difficult for two reasons First, I have to confront an old relationship and I have to "stay in the saddle" and do it. I can't run any more, I can't hide any more and I can't build any more walls. If I really want this wonderful, intimate relationship with God, then there are things I need to do. One of which is I must go through things that He puts in front of me. Several times I have said I wasn't going to finish the assignment, but I keep gravitating back to it. I will do the assignment because I am convinced it is what He asks of me.

So "what does this have to do with SARAH and making a difference to the widows and children of Africa you ask". More than I thought. My dreams and thoughts of Africa are well documented in my other entries of this blog. And it is very clear to me that I will have some type of influence there. But what God has also made very clear, is that I must be in a state of being complete. If He is to pour into me all that he has planned (Africa?) for me, then I must be in place to receive all he has to offer. But what does that mean to be in a state of being complete? For me it means to visit some painful relational stuff, deal with it and move on to what ever He puts in place next.

So As I mentioned to a friend the other day, I really thought I would be doing a lot of hard work on Scripture but all along I was working my ass off on what I needed, not what I wanted.

P.S. I have intentionally left out the name of the book as I have not asked permission from the other guys to reveal the title of the book in a public forum.
If any of you would like to know the title of the book, email me at runfischer@yahoo.com.

P.S.S. It has taken me 2 weeks to write this blog and it still is not finished. Since I started this entry more "stuff" has taken place...so I will write part two soon.

Homesick???

I know, a strange heading for a blog, but after the thoughts and conversations I have had over the past few days, this is what I have in my heart. I know I am supposed to be writing SARAH part two. But some times a curve ball comes when you expect a fastball on the outside corner. Oops my love for baseball just came through. I will get to SARAH part two another day, but right now I would like to write about this “homesickness”.

A group of my friends and fellow community members are leaving shortly for a three to six month stay in Kitale, Kenya. This group is traveling to and staying with the same people and organization that I stayed with on my trip. For those in community that are not making the trip, there have been some anxiousness and some sadness as the teams’ preparations are made and the time line to departure gets smaller.

As for me, there isn’t any sadness or anxiousness, but I will miss them and their friendship a great deal. These young men and women along with Danel and Larry have impacted my life tremendously. Everyone is so bright and compassionate and loving and outright inspiring, I am so impressed with them and humbled to know them!!

Because of this team leaving I have had a few conversations with Deb about my own experiences in Kenya, well not really conversations, more me talking and Deb listening. I think I have replayed every experience and situation to her numerous times. And as I listen to myself talk and relive these experiences, I notice I get more animated and emotional, wishing I was there. I actually feel “homesick”, is that possible? I yearn to be there so much. Also during these moments I have learned that my tether to the comforts of America, things that I thought I would/could never give up, is getting thinner. I even made a list of the things (outside of family) that I would miss if I left the states. Four things came up on that list and, three of them, while once very important to me; just don’t seem that important any more. The fourth item was my home, now this is a big deal. I am such a roots oriented guy and my home is my roots. I have always needed to have a place that I could go to and if not, I was not healthy. My home means so much to me, I have spent so much time and energy on it….it is me. But even I’m seeing that I can let it go. WOW…I really said that!?

A few nights ago, I thought out loud of several scenarios that had me in Kenya and giving up the “American Dream”. Were they just thoughts that came to me in a moment of envy or is it a continuation of my “day dream” when I was 17? I do not know the answer to that question, but there is a pull and it is not going away.

SARAH part I

In a blog dated March 1st I mentioned, for the first time, SARAH. I also said that there would be more on SARAH at a later time, well that later time is here. Over the next few posts I will attempt to explain, describe and write about this organization that I have been working on. In an effort to keep these posts from being long and boring, I will put this together in several posts.

There are times (OK a lot of times) when I talk about SARAH as if she was alive as a person. I'm good with that. SARAH is a passion of mine that allows me to fulfill my bigger passion, making a difference and giving hope to the women and children of Africa.

The very basic vision of S.A.R.A.H. was actually cast in 1969 when I had the dreams of making a difference to the women and children of Africa. They weren't the dreams that we wake up from and decide to make life altering decisions. They were more on the scale of daydreams, where I would let my mind drift and see where it would take me. Obviously I had no idea that I would be creating an organization back then. But as I reflect on those times, those dreams were the spark and today I have the fire.

From 1969 until 2007, I became busy with life. Marriage, children and a career were the the focus of my attention. Though I would always have these reminders of my dreams, I just didn't know where to go with them. Life and my proprieties would take me in different directions. That is until 2007.

Recently I have talked to a friend of mine about my frustration of not acting on these dreams earlier in my life and he said "it wasn't your season"

Psalm 1 vs3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

I believe it is my season now, so here is SARAH.....

Sparks African Resource Alliance giving Hope.

SPARKS, Nevada, USA is the area in which SARAH was born. It is also about bridging the community of Sparks to the African continent in a relational way so that resources may flow to those who can help.

AFRICA is the continent and the people that SARAH will be providing resources and hope to.

RESOURCE is the engine that ultimately, with partnering agencies, will make a difference, in the lives of women and children.

ALLIANCE is the community of carrying and compassionate people, locally and world wide, that will provide the resources for SARAH.

HOPE is about SARAH giving women and children of the African continent the hope of a new life. Hope of a life worth living, hope of food and clean water, hope of fuel to cook a simple meal. It is also about the hope that the man they are married to will not be carrying the HIV disease, hope that the child they are carrying will not be infected with HIV, hope that their children will receive an education, hope of self worth, hope of respect, hope of peace and ultimately the hope of a full productive life.

in a funk

I knew that when I came back from Kenya, the world would appear a little different than when I left for my trip (OK a lot). But I wasn’t too concerned, I had been to third world countries a few times, so I knew what to expect when I got home. I was prepared to face, and struggle with, what I believe are, the ugly issues of our culture. I expected an adjustment period back to this culture lasting, maybe a couple of weeks, tops. I expected to look at myself and all of its crap and ask myself a lot of tough questions. But this adjustment period is still going on. And I have no answers…. I am in a funk.
My mind will wander off into a day dream of tracing the steps that I took during my stay in Kenya. I can still hear my foot steps as I walked the dirt trails into Kitale or Kolongolo. I can still hear the laughter of the children as they play a game of dodge ball with a simple Nerf ball. I laugh out loud when I think about Virginia giving me a bad time because I didn’t eat as much food as she thought I should have. I can see so plainly, the expressions of joy and gratitude on the faces of those we visited. I can also feel the overflowing love of the grandmothers and aunts as they clutch their heart because we paid them a visit.
I miss seeing the passion and commitment in Meredith’s and Sean’s and Daniel’s eyes. I miss sitting in the gazebo and wondering “how can I help”. I feel I have lost my rudder and I am just floating and drifting aimlessly. I guess I just need to accept this is a period on being “uncomfortable” or, as I have written before, “a place of tension”. Yup, there is that tension word again. But when I stop and be still and ponder, I ultimately, get the sense that this funk is just another face of transformation. The transformation to living out His designs, for His purpose, continues. I am not really digging this sense of fogginess. I wish I could just shake my head and everything would be clear again. But I know I don’t have to shake my head, I just have to stand on my tip toes and grab His hand, its there, waiting for me.

clarity of purpose

A grandmother weeding three rows of maze will receive 30 shillings a day or .38cents US. With her grandchildren’s help, they can weed five rows of maze and receive 50 schillings or .65cents US.

A boy that has lost his family may end up wondering the streets and sniffing glue, just to ward off the cold and the pains of hunger. A 14 year old girl may slip into prostitution because there is no where else to go.

A man will sell handkerchiefs or sesame seed balls all day at the station, just to eek out some type of living.

A boy will pop popcorn and sell it on the street corner, while his brother figures out a way to raise more chickens to sell.

Another grandmother will sell a few teabags and some sugar cane from a stick made street stand and then use the money to make tea and buy her visitors a Kenyan pastry and chips.

Public transportation is an intense, organized free for all; just so as many people can squeeze into an over crowded vehicle.

Because of the scarcity of food a grandmother of 6 may be forced to feed her grandchildren a porridge of Ugali…once a day.

Their stories can go on and on. But they all have one theme in common and that theme is survival. Their sole purpose in life is just to survive….some how, some way!

When have you had to do what ever it took just to survive? I know, we all work long and hard…but to do what? To buy that bigger, brighter, shinier, faster thing…what ever it is.

Here in North America what we view as surviving is just a time of being uncomfortable. So what is your purpose in life, are you really trying to survive or are you just uncomfortable? Maybe your "set" and have it made. If you have "made it" give some of your time or money away and if you already give....give more.

I know the only thing that separates me from those trying to survive, was a decision that He made a long time ago.