in a funk

I knew that when I came back from Kenya, the world would appear a little different than when I left for my trip (OK a lot). But I wasn’t too concerned, I had been to third world countries a few times, so I knew what to expect when I got home. I was prepared to face, and struggle with, what I believe are, the ugly issues of our culture. I expected an adjustment period back to this culture lasting, maybe a couple of weeks, tops. I expected to look at myself and all of its crap and ask myself a lot of tough questions. But this adjustment period is still going on. And I have no answers…. I am in a funk.
My mind will wander off into a day dream of tracing the steps that I took during my stay in Kenya. I can still hear my foot steps as I walked the dirt trails into Kitale or Kolongolo. I can still hear the laughter of the children as they play a game of dodge ball with a simple Nerf ball. I laugh out loud when I think about Virginia giving me a bad time because I didn’t eat as much food as she thought I should have. I can see so plainly, the expressions of joy and gratitude on the faces of those we visited. I can also feel the overflowing love of the grandmothers and aunts as they clutch their heart because we paid them a visit.
I miss seeing the passion and commitment in Meredith’s and Sean’s and Daniel’s eyes. I miss sitting in the gazebo and wondering “how can I help”. I feel I have lost my rudder and I am just floating and drifting aimlessly. I guess I just need to accept this is a period on being “uncomfortable” or, as I have written before, “a place of tension”. Yup, there is that tension word again. But when I stop and be still and ponder, I ultimately, get the sense that this funk is just another face of transformation. The transformation to living out His designs, for His purpose, continues. I am not really digging this sense of fogginess. I wish I could just shake my head and everything would be clear again. But I know I don’t have to shake my head, I just have to stand on my tip toes and grab His hand, its there, waiting for me.