Being Complete part II

I have had several conversations with friends regarding how I don't like the holiday and Christmas seasons. I mean really, I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I just get in a state of being numb and stay there for about three months. In fact I will get into this state without even knowing it until I do some inter reflection on whats going on and then realize "oh yeah it's the holidays". I know an awful lot of how I feel is because I am in a business that serves people, a lot of people daily. And these people can be the so rude, impatient and or so obnoxiously arrogant that I just want to choke them. So much of the time, people serving and working their ass off get absolutely no respect (OK that's off my chest). I also know this is a hard time because of a devastating family situation that took place during the holidays some years ago. The loss can be so fresh and so real to this day. But I have also discovered a third piece to this puzzle and that is the loss of joy. I really have no joy in my life and then to add the holidays on top of it...well its over load and I go numb. I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself (or you to feel sorry for me), I am saying this as a reflection to what is the truth in my life. I do not know why I am writing this....but for some reason I am and I still keep exposing my heart.

So....what do I mean I have no joy. Its just that, no joy. No belly busting laughter, no light hearted conversation, no looking at beauty and getting lost in its tranquil pull and having peace. No looking at a day and saying "WOW how cool is this, another great day".

Where are you joy?

I believe the answer lies in a long ago relationship. A relationship that gave me nothing and left me to discover everything by myself. I believe the answers lies in the final "completeness" of this relationship. This is my 900 pound Gorilla.

Will I have joy again?

I am hoping its there inside me some where and all of the dirt and garbage I have bulldozed on it will be some day be removed and joy will return from the darkness.


During the past 6 months or so I have had some sense that completeness was important to me. But now I believe its paramount. I believe that completeness is my key for what He has in store for me. My doubt is, will I be able to finish this?

The truth of the matter, if I look into the deep inter sanctum of my heart, is I really want to enjoy the holidays. I want to enjoy all the beauty and the gatherings of friends and family, and the lights and the true spirit of the holidays (not so much the gift giving). Why? Because I want to see and feel the closeness of people. I want the stress of life to melt away to the calm of peace. I want to be able to say and hear Happy Holidays or better yet Merry Christmas and know that it is honestly meant.