Being Complete Part I

In September, a group of my friends went to Kenya to serve their internship there and to live an adventure. With them being gone, I set out to use this time for some learning of my own. I wanted and expected to dig deeper into scripture and I was determined to develop better prayer and study habits. I wanted the fruit of this dedicated learning/study period to be about growing closer to God and maybe to learn more about myself. I wanted to be in a place where I felt this overwhelming intimate relationship with Him. Well, things didn't really go as I expected (what a shock ha). There were several times during this 3 month period that as hard as I was trying to "get things done" I felt I wasn't getting anywhere. So many times I have heard some of my friends say "just get into the Word". Ah, OK I would think, sounds great, but the reality is I don't know how to do that. I don't know what it means to "get into the Word". I mean, there are times it reads as noise to me. So my studies didn't take place as expected and my frustrations continued. After the three month mark I was frustrated because I felt I had not done anything that bore any fruit and I had failed a commitment to myself and this relationship with Him would continue to stall.

Also, during this 3 month period of time I was I was invited to participate with a group of men and be involved in a discussion of a book. Though I didn't really think this book applied to me that much, I trusted the advice of a friend and joined in. Being the skeptic, the first third of the book I was thinking, "this is good, but I don't know what this all means to me". But then the book started to get my attention and I even participated in the exercises. Further along the contents of the book were more difficult to read and the exercises were becoming harder to do, what was being discussed and read was really hitting home.

Well I have since found out this book applies to me in a big way. What I thought was a failing on my part , my plan on learning, was actually something that was not important to Him at this point in my life. It became abundantly clear to me (at a stop light, going to work) what was important to Him was the work I was doing in this mens group and more importantly what this book was bringing to the surface in my struggles. The struggles are relational, and they are extremely difficult for me. We are now at the hardest part of the book and the exercise that is required is very difficult. It is difficult for two reasons First, I have to confront an old relationship and I have to "stay in the saddle" and do it. I can't run any more, I can't hide any more and I can't build any more walls. If I really want this wonderful, intimate relationship with God, then there are things I need to do. One of which is I must go through things that He puts in front of me. Several times I have said I wasn't going to finish the assignment, but I keep gravitating back to it. I will do the assignment because I am convinced it is what He asks of me.

So "what does this have to do with SARAH and making a difference to the widows and children of Africa you ask". More than I thought. My dreams and thoughts of Africa are well documented in my other entries of this blog. And it is very clear to me that I will have some type of influence there. But what God has also made very clear, is that I must be in a state of being complete. If He is to pour into me all that he has planned (Africa?) for me, then I must be in place to receive all he has to offer. But what does that mean to be in a state of being complete? For me it means to visit some painful relational stuff, deal with it and move on to what ever He puts in place next.

So As I mentioned to a friend the other day, I really thought I would be doing a lot of hard work on Scripture but all along I was working my ass off on what I needed, not what I wanted.

P.S. I have intentionally left out the name of the book as I have not asked permission from the other guys to reveal the title of the book in a public forum.
If any of you would like to know the title of the book, email me at runfischer@yahoo.com.

P.S.S. It has taken me 2 weeks to write this blog and it still is not finished. Since I started this entry more "stuff" has taken place...so I will write part two soon.